We can't predict the future; we can't undo the past...

[heidi]

But it won't always hurt this bad.
- song #2, Grace of My Heart


It's a year tonight - not to the date, but to the day, this third Friday in June - that so many hundreds and thousands of us waited in lines and grasped and devoured our copies of OotP. Fueled by caffine and sugar and companionship - whether in the same room, over the phone or oer the internet - we made it through those hundreds of pages.

And I don't know about you, but I was devestated. I'd been listening to the Grace of My Heart soundtrack on the way home and when I stopped short, while A Boat on the Sea was playing, my copy fell onto the floor and opened to something in the 820s, and I still remember what I saw on the lefthand page. That Harry hadn't spoken to Hermione and Ron much "since Sirius died."

And here's how the song goes:

There's a lamp that won't light in my poetry room and children out playing in a big full moon. My man's barricaded there in his room. He'll be coming out soon.

I remember when I met him, he blew in like the wind. No-one was more beautiful or dangerous than him. He blew through my soul with a tangerine wind. He's coming out soon.

Luxury looms on a fogbound day. I am not alone now; I am not afraid. I'm clean and I'm free - it's all stripped away. All debts are paid.

I wonder if he ever looks down at the sea, thinks about the time that he spent with me. I know everything's exactly how it has to be. All's right with this world.

I never knew I was built so strong. My heart is a boat on the sea. I never thought I was built for hurricaines. My heart is a boat on the sea, through the cold and the dark, with the grace of my heart.

I can't songfic it; I've tried. I know some of the lines are Remus. Some are Harry. Some are Sirius. Some are two, or all three of them. And the rest of the soundtrack is no different. Every song, by this point, gives me the vaguest of plot bunnies but when I try to pin them down, well, it's like trying to catch smoke with your bare hands.

I thought at a year, I'd hate it less, that ending, but every time I see PoA, the stab into my heart is still there.

If I had one question of Cuaron and Kloves, it would be, how much did you change the last scene with Harry and Sirius, and what was it like, originally. Because the way it is now is painful with its foreshadowing - a foreshadowing *all* of us know. And hell, one year on, I still can't bring myself to reread those pages. I wonder if I'll eer be able to. Maybe after Book 6?

Comments

[slashkilter.livejournal.com]

I need to hug you now because it still hurts too much, and hugging people who understand makes it a little bit better.

*hugs tightly*

[debellatrix.livejournal.com]

I have yet to re-read OotP; just cannot bring myself to do it.

[meggitymeg.livejournal.com]

Same here. I can read every single other one over and over again, but I have never been able to get through OotP for a second time. I don't imagine I ever will.

[no-remorse.livejournal.com]

You are very close to making cry about something I've cried only one about - when Rowling gave me the mental image of Phineas searching Grimmauld Place for Sirius for the first time.

[heidi8.livejournal.com]

I could make it worse - Joni Mitchell's lyrics to Man From Mars would compound the whole thing - and I've wondered if JKR had listened to that song before characterizing Sirius.

[ceilidh]

That is the most gripping part of the whole movie for me, even more than the trio hug. And I pity the people who only watch the movies and don't read the books, because they miss how ironic and poignant that whole sequence is. It really made my heart hurt when Harry talked about them getting a house in the country where Sirius could see the sky... I bawled like a little girl with a skinned knee because I just KNEW that it wasn't going to happen.

[pinguthegreek.livejournal.com]

I have to admit it took me a few days to realise the impact of Sirius' death whaen I read the book. I had to put it into the context of imagining losing was someone who I love very much in that way.

And the bits with Sirius and Harry in the film......you're making me want to go and see it a third time !!

[storm-maven.livejournal.com]

And I thought I had it bad because FedEx lied and said they were at my building delivering my two OotP books when they hadn't. They even wanted me to wait until the next business day for my books. Unfortunately FedEx only delivers early in the day in my area and no one is home. So I told them to ship the books back to Amazon and me and my babies swam out to BN in the rain and I bought the books (the most expensive versions because I WANTED TO READ THE DAMN THING BADLY.

I'm sorry you had to find out the ending the way you did. I said to myself, "Damn! I thought I had it bad!" Nope. You beat me.

[nyx-wench.livejournal.com]

I also could not reread it. I would like to at a more leisurely pace than I did last time.

Hey weren't all the south florida people gonna get together and see PoA again? I would love to.

[heidi8.livejournal.com]

I may be going on Tues or Thurs, but angiej is coming down in August, at the begining of hte month, so I know we're going to have a big All See It One Last Time On A Big Screen thingy then!

How awful...

[dreamcoat-mom.livejournal.com]

...to find out that way. Completely out of context, and no warning at all. On the other hand, those of us who read all the way through to Sirius's death had very little more to work with - it was just so heart-stoppingly sudden. JKR claims she wrote it just that way to illustrate the point that death can happen in a sudden, almost offhand way, leaving complete devastation in it's wake. Judging by the way we all reacted, I'd say she was right on target.

But, to make you feel better, I'll give you a worse spoiler story. I was having coffee at a good friend's house the day after I arrived back from Nimbus. I knew she was only about halfway through OOP, so I carefully checked the entire program book out for spoilers before I handed it to her. She thoroughly enjoyed paging through the program, asking a lot of good questions, and I was just getting ready to go when she reached to hand me the closed program and froze. There - on the back cover, in tiny print - were the words "IMO Sirius Black." I immediately started to dither and she said, in a choked voice, "Shut up. Just. Shut up. I need to mourn for a minute." She put her head on her arms at the table and just stayed there for a few seconds while I listened to the thundering of blood in my ears. Then she looked up at me with tears in her eyes and said in an over-bright voice, "So...more coffee?" Ooooohhh! - bad, bad flashback.

She still loves me, by the way - but will never get over that. To this day, she'll relive it for anyone who'll listen.

Re: How awful...

[heidi8.livejournal.com]

Oh! Your poor friend! I am sorry! We didn't think anyone would attend who hadn't read it yet! WIBBLE!

[dangel.livejournal.com]

I also have not re-read it. I've accepted it as true because JKR said so, but it hasn't made it any less jarring. I was so emotionally drained after finishing it and ever since, I've only went back to look at parts other than the end sequence.

Yeah, it made me really sad later when I thought about Harry's words in the movie. :(

[aome.livejournal.com]

I must be a cold-hearted fish. Sirius' death makes me sad, but not devastated. For me, the most unbearable part of OotP has always been Harry's detention with Umbridge. I was unspeakably horrified by the way she had those words etched into his skin.

[debellatrix.livejournal.com]

Actually, that's the part I dread as well.

[ladyguenivere.livejournal.com]

well said. i can't read those pages either.
i wonder how they did change that last scene, cos man. every time, i feel like my eyes are tearing up a bit.

*sniff*

definitely dont want to see movie 5 at the moment. denial is good.

[moondroplette.livejournal.com]

<3

I haven't been able to pick it up again, either.

[hermione-like.livejournal.com]

I haven't re-read OotP yet either. One of the things I hated the most about his death is that OotP was the book where I really started to like Sirius. :P

[casfic.livejournal.com]

I'm another one who can't bear to open OotP again, and I've certainly no intention of seeing the movie - I don't have to put myself through that! I remember being so excited about the book, I don't think I've looked forward to something so much for years. I got it home, sat down and read it until I finished it, that evening. Then I closed it and burst into tears. Haven't opened it since, and I don't think I ever will.

I also haven't written any fanfic since, as it completely destroyed my muse, on the plus side however I've recently finished the first draft of an original novel and I'm planning the sequel now. The good thing is that I'm the only person who gets to decide the fate of my characters.

But Sirius's death still hurts.

[dramaturgy.livejournal.com]

Oh man. I tried to keep from crying, but I absolutely bawled when Harry and Sirius were talking and he flied off.

[sff-corgi.livejournal.com]

I remember when I met him, he blew in like the wind. No-one was more beautiful or dangerous than him. He blew through my soul with a tangerine wind. He's coming out soon.

Oh, I love that.

♥
The Werewolf Registry spoiled me accidentally -- I shouldn't have gone there -- but I realised later I needed that cushion of warning. I'd been so sure Sirius wasn't going to be the one because of all his untied-off threads. He had to catch Peter, he had to be Harry's family. He had to have a life. Hagrid... well, Hagrid had been happy and successful, he was in a good position (and being a Gryffindor, well-suited) to sacrifice himself for the cause. I was prepared for that....

The thing is, I don't believe he's DEAD dead. It's like the lines from Miracle Max in The Princess Bride, y'know? This is NOT real life, it has a structure and a plan and symbolism and a very sneaky writer.

I also had the IMMENSE comfort of Dogstar Academy, where Sirius is very much alive (returned from the dead, to be specific -- long story) and extremely vital. So, he was gone... yet not gone.

I actually can re-read OoP, because of the above, and mostly because I'm trying to write an AUish PoV fanfic sequel set during it; but I find myself still getting wretched wanting PoA's and GoF's and especially OoP's Sirius to be happy. I want to fix things for him (and slap Molly Weasley really really hard).

I think I shall wear black on Monday. He's coming out soon. I believe this. His story's not done.

[heidi8.livejournal.com]

I'll lend you the cd next time I see you. And I'll play you We Let Love Down. Sigh.

And like you had with Dogstar, I had with Nocturne Alley - and I also reread A Sirius Affair that weekend, thinking about the Happily Ever After I wish he'd had.

This can't be the end of his story.

[erised1810.livejournal.com]

OH what a beautiful post.

I found outthroug ha message that had nt spoiler warnings in the body. hadn't even started the hogwarts part of the book.
I've never heard of those songs but this-one you quoted
made me cry. Ouch. I hate the book, the whole of it. The
thing depressed me and the cozy uplifting bits were far to
short. And too many times afterwords I heard" that's just like
life itself."
I miss that man as if he wasn't fictional at all. And the whole
last section of POA till he flew away with buckbeak, I just
choked up.
Thanks for this post. It stopped me feeling stupid for still
sometimes crying over/missing someone who doesn't even
exist in real life.

[heidi8.livejournal.com]

If we weren't able to cry with books and movies and songs when they were appropriate, we'd be a bunch of emotionless chips of ice, not people.

Now, I note that the songs that touch me, the passages that break my heart - they don't impact everyone that way. But everyone ought to have some book or movie or song or poem or something that just gets them in the heart, no matter how fictional it is.

[jjtaylor.livejournal.com]

So glad to read your post. I've re-read OotP only once since the first devastating reading, and it took me from October to April. I would read along, and then stop not be able to go back to it. Scenes like Molly and the boggart, or the first secret DA meeting, waylaid me for weeks. Occlumency stopped me short for two solid months. It was late at night when I got to the section where Harry gets the Ministry badge that says "Harry Potter: Rescue Mission" and I thought I wouldn't ever be able to sleep.

I found watching PoA much more moving in light of OotP, and I too would like to know how much Cuaron worked foreshawdowing (even thematically)into it.

[heidi8.livejournal.com]

I'm going to see if I can't do an email interview thing on behalf of FA, even if it's just 4-5 questions. Wish me luck?

[doomandnachos.livejournal.com]

WAH.
I think I shall take sff_corgi's cue and wear black on Monday as well. Or perhaps do a slew of Sirius-art.

I too haven't re-read OotP (although I read it so fast the first time around that I know I missed things) - it's altogether too painful a book. Not just because of Sirius, but the sheer emotional tension running nonstop. It's rather draining.

*hugs her Sirius, who looks rather bewildered and wants to know if there'll be booze at his deathday party*

[glitterdemon.livejournal.com]

I've never felt a character death like I felt -- feel -- Sirius's. He's absolutely a part of my heart, and so it can't help but hurt. It seems a bit irrelevant for me, personally, to possess any aversion to rereading OotP, since I 'ship Sirius/Remus forever and ever amen, and, well. I end up crying whether I'm reading the books or fanfic. I've reread it once since last year, recently, and I thought I might have an easier time, knowing the sequence of events and the emotion involved. I should have known it would just make it harder. The closer it got to the end, and as the domino effect of the events resulting in his death began, it was almost physically difficult to force myself to continue. And I get so angry. I cry buckets reading OotP, but during the actual death I do not; I'm pissed off. It's not until after and Remus's voice breaks that I completely lose it. Then I'm pretty much a basketcase.

Interestingly, I was also spoiled, but it was voluntary. I asked a friend of mine who had already finished, while I was still closer to the beginning and could not properly concentrate on the book for fear of who was going to die. He was very surprised, as I am spoilerphobic. I still don't regret that decision, because I don't think I would have handled it well had it been a shock. Hearing it in that way, there was just that sinking despair in my gut that I had anyway, you know? Though I wonder if I really needed to be spoiled; almost right after my friend told me, I read Sirius's "there are things worth dying for!" line, which is so blatant it almost can't be called foreshadowing.

[galeotti.livejournal.com]

'ello. Random passerby here.

The first time I read OotP, when I reached the end I was filled with so many emotions I could not identify them all. The initial emotion was anger- how dare JKR do that? No warning at all! Killing off one of the most beloved characters like that, the nerve!

The second was sympathy for Harry. I lost my father just a little over two years ago, when I was thirteen. His death, not at all unlike Sirius' death, was very sudden. He got up for work one day and never came home, and oh, I felt every emotion that Harry felt. The anger, the terrible sadness and loneliness, and most of all the wish to not be human so I didn't have to feel anymore.

I feel somewhat dumb saying this, but I 'grieved' the loss of a fictional character for the first time ever while reading OotP. It never has gotten any easier to read that scene in Book 5, and I don't suspect it will.

I just watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer the other day, the episode where everyone has to deal with Joyce's death, and this quote by Anya kind of reminded me of the general reaction to Sirius' death: I don't understand how this all happens. How we go through this. I mean, I knew her, and then there's just a body, and I don't understand why she just can't get back in it and not be dead anymore. It's stupid. It's mortal and stupid. And, and Xander's crying and not talking, and, and I was having fruit punch, and I thought, well, Joyce will never have any more fruit punch ever, and she'll never have eggs, or yawn or brush her hair, not ever, and no one will explain to me why.

So...yes. Will stop spamming you now. :)

[heidi8.livejournal.com]

Welcome, random passerby. I am sorry about your father; I don't know if it's better or worse to know that JKR has said that she's tried to put her feelings about her mother's death into the series, including in the Mirror of Erised and also into Book 5. Somehow, I don't think it does.

Help!

[digitalmeowmix2.livejournal.com]

id add this to my memories,
but i cant find the button on this page!

Re: Help!

[heidi8.livejournal.com]

It's only on the front page of my LJ, it seems - but you can do it by clicking here. Thanks for wanting to add it; I'm flattered!

[jlh.livejournal.com]

I don't think I'll be able to reread any canon at all until after Book 7. The tension has become so high—and will likely be even higher after Book 6—that I can't read any of it without feeling tied up in knots. I'm really glad I have this steel trap memory, so that I don't have to reread in order to know canon. But once I know what the end will be, I reckon Harry Potter will join Anne Shirley and Harriet Wimsey as characters I find myself rereading bits of over and over and over again.

But for the next, oh, what will it be, five years at least before book 7 comes out? Perhaps 2010? I won't be able to read it at all.

(My lord, we need to make sure she has a complete security detail at all times, don't we?)

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

I'm still crying. Regularly.

I read the book in a few hours and had to go to a party immediately after where there were people who expected me to be good company for the party, and, worse, people who hadn't read the book and were excited about reading it Real Soon Now and to whom I owed it not to spoil anything for them. Which meant I had to close the book, turn off every emotion, and go to the party like nothing had happened--not a tear, not a word. If I'd started I wouldn't have been able to stop. Having to do that is up there with the most difficult experiences of my life. There was not one person there to whom I could speak about what I was going through.

I could not let the breakdown come until the next day, and it was bad.

I knew I wouldn't be able to read the book again, so I had to buy the book on CD to be able to experience it again. It was as if, if I was passively listening, instead of actively reading, I would be able to allow it, knowing how badly it would hurt again.

I visit a Barnes and Noble routinely, and every, every damn time I walk through the store I know I'm going to walk by the "Harry Potter" section, and I do, and I see those blue-bound volumes and it just wells up and my vision blurs and I touch one of the books and blink for a bit.

I just can't believe that JKR could do that. Sirius is meant to be Harry's happy ending, you know? That's his family. That was what he was going to get at the end, for defeating Voldemort.

I need there to be a purpose for his death beyond "teaching the reader that death is awful and sudden and unfair."

[arachnethe2.livejournal.com]

*hugs you and hands the virtual pot of coccoa*
I read the book only once as well and can't re-read it again for the same reason. After everythign JKR pulled us through there is still fan fiction.

[arachnethe2.livejournal.com]

Myself I got spoiled by an article in an magazine, which has been supposed to tell about the succes of selling the book in Germany. Until today I still want to kill the journalist - that bastard. :)

On the a bit more funny note, I was reading OotP in a caffee, where this very amusing episode happened to me:

I'm just in the middle of chapter 14, when I hear a shy: "psst, excuse me?"

I look up and see a teenage couple. It was the girl, who was turned in my direction: "Excuse me, but how far are you now?"

"Chapte fourteen."

"Ah, well I'm not so far yet."

I smiled back at her and then turned to the book again.

Ten minutes later I made: "psst, excuse me..."

The couple looked up from their caffe au lait.

"Harry," I told them, "just got his first kiss."

Now even the boy got very interessted: "And who was it?"

"Cho Chang."

The boy slammed his fist into the table: "And I hoped, it would be Hermione!"

The girl: "I hoped for Ginny."

And I thought: and *I* wished it would be Snape.