We can't predict the future; we can't undo the past...

[heidi]

But it won't always hurt this bad.
- song #2, Grace of My Heart


It's a year tonight - not to the date, but to the day, this third Friday in June - that so many hundreds and thousands of us waited in lines and grasped and devoured our copies of OotP. Fueled by caffine and sugar and companionship - whether in the same room, over the phone or oer the internet - we made it through those hundreds of pages.

And I don't know about you, but I was devestated. I'd been listening to the Grace of My Heart soundtrack on the way home and when I stopped short, while A Boat on the Sea was playing, my copy fell onto the floor and opened to something in the 820s, and I still remember what I saw on the lefthand page. That Harry hadn't spoken to Hermione and Ron much "since Sirius died."

And here's how the song goes:

There's a lamp that won't light in my poetry room and children out playing in a big full moon. My man's barricaded there in his room. He'll be coming out soon.

I remember when I met him, he blew in like the wind. No-one was more beautiful or dangerous than him. He blew through my soul with a tangerine wind. He's coming out soon.

Luxury looms on a fogbound day. I am not alone now; I am not afraid. I'm clean and I'm free - it's all stripped away. All debts are paid.

I wonder if he ever looks down at the sea, thinks about the time that he spent with me. I know everything's exactly how it has to be. All's right with this world.

I never knew I was built so strong. My heart is a boat on the sea. I never thought I was built for hurricaines. My heart is a boat on the sea, through the cold and the dark, with the grace of my heart.

I can't songfic it; I've tried. I know some of the lines are Remus. Some are Harry. Some are Sirius. Some are two, or all three of them. And the rest of the soundtrack is no different. Every song, by this point, gives me the vaguest of plot bunnies but when I try to pin them down, well, it's like trying to catch smoke with your bare hands.

I thought at a year, I'd hate it less, that ending, but every time I see PoA, the stab into my heart is still there.

If I had one question of Cuaron and Kloves, it would be, how much did you change the last scene with Harry and Sirius, and what was it like, originally. Because the way it is now is painful with its foreshadowing - a foreshadowing *all* of us know. And hell, one year on, I still can't bring myself to reread those pages. I wonder if I'll eer be able to. Maybe after Book 6?

Comments

[slashkilter.livejournal.com]

I need to hug you now because it still hurts too much, and hugging people who understand makes it a little bit better.

*hugs tightly*

[debellatrix.livejournal.com]

I have yet to re-read OotP; just cannot bring myself to do it.

[no-remorse.livejournal.com]

You are very close to making cry about something I've cried only one about - when Rowling gave me the mental image of Phineas searching Grimmauld Place for Sirius for the first time.

[pinguthegreek.livejournal.com]

I have to admit it took me a few days to realise the impact of Sirius' death whaen I read the book. I had to put it into the context of imagining losing was someone who I love very much in that way.

And the bits with Sirius and Harry in the film......you're making me want to go and see it a third time !!

[ceilidh]

That is the most gripping part of the whole movie for me, even more than the trio hug. And I pity the people who only watch the movies and don't read the books, because they miss how ironic and poignant that whole sequence is. It really made my heart hurt when Harry talked about them getting a house in the country where Sirius could see the sky... I bawled like a little girl with a skinned knee because I just KNEW that it wasn't going to happen.

[storm-maven.livejournal.com]

And I thought I had it bad because FedEx lied and said they were at my building delivering my two OotP books when they hadn't. They even wanted me to wait until the next business day for my books. Unfortunately FedEx only delivers early in the day in my area and no one is home. So I told them to ship the books back to Amazon and me and my babies swam out to BN in the rain and I bought the books (the most expensive versions because I WANTED TO READ THE DAMN THING BADLY.

I'm sorry you had to find out the ending the way you did. I said to myself, "Damn! I thought I had it bad!" Nope. You beat me.

[longtimegone]

WAH YES. When Sirius talked about walking through the doors of Hogwarts as a free man... I cried cause I knew it wasn't going happen. WAH.

[nyx-wench.livejournal.com]

I also could not reread it. I would like to at a more leisurely pace than I did last time.

Hey weren't all the south florida people gonna get together and see PoA again? I would love to.

[meggitymeg.livejournal.com]

Same here. I can read every single other one over and over again, but I have never been able to get through OotP for a second time. I don't imagine I ever will.

How awful...

[dreamcoat-mom.livejournal.com]

...to find out that way. Completely out of context, and no warning at all. On the other hand, those of us who read all the way through to Sirius's death had very little more to work with - it was just so heart-stoppingly sudden. JKR claims she wrote it just that way to illustrate the point that death can happen in a sudden, almost offhand way, leaving complete devastation in it's wake. Judging by the way we all reacted, I'd say she was right on target.

But, to make you feel better, I'll give you a worse spoiler story. I was having coffee at a good friend's house the day after I arrived back from Nimbus. I knew she was only about halfway through OOP, so I carefully checked the entire program book out for spoilers before I handed it to her. She thoroughly enjoyed paging through the program, asking a lot of good questions, and I was just getting ready to go when she reached to hand me the closed program and froze. There - on the back cover, in tiny print - were the words "IMO Sirius Black." I immediately started to dither and she said, in a choked voice, "Shut up. Just. Shut up. I need to mourn for a minute." She put her head on her arms at the table and just stayed there for a few seconds while I listened to the thundering of blood in my ears. Then she looked up at me with tears in her eyes and said in an over-bright voice, "So...more coffee?" Ooooohhh! - bad, bad flashback.

She still loves me, by the way - but will never get over that. To this day, she'll relive it for anyone who'll listen.

[dangel.livejournal.com]

I also have not re-read it. I've accepted it as true because JKR said so, but it hasn't made it any less jarring. I was so emotionally drained after finishing it and ever since, I've only went back to look at parts other than the end sequence.

Yeah, it made me really sad later when I thought about Harry's words in the movie. :(

[aome.livejournal.com]

I must be a cold-hearted fish. Sirius' death makes me sad, but not devastated. For me, the most unbearable part of OotP has always been Harry's detention with Umbridge. I was unspeakably horrified by the way she had those words etched into his skin.

[ladyguenivere.livejournal.com]

well said. i can't read those pages either.
i wonder how they did change that last scene, cos man. every time, i feel like my eyes are tearing up a bit.

*sniff*

definitely dont want to see movie 5 at the moment. denial is good.

[moondroplette.livejournal.com]

<3

I haven't been able to pick it up again, either.

[debellatrix.livejournal.com]

I am so disappointed that we did not meet at the Mexican restaurant in NYC (I was sitting next to Alex). I've been wanting to meet you because I got to know Chris a bit during Nimbus and think he's such a dear *and* anyone that he thinks so highly of must be pretty fabulous.
/end gushing

[hermione-like.livejournal.com]

I haven't re-read OotP yet either. One of the things I hated the most about his death is that OotP was the book where I really started to like Sirius. :P

[debellatrix.livejournal.com]

Actually, that's the part I dread as well.

[casfic.livejournal.com]

I'm another one who can't bear to open OotP again, and I've certainly no intention of seeing the movie - I don't have to put myself through that! I remember being so excited about the book, I don't think I've looked forward to something so much for years. I got it home, sat down and read it until I finished it, that evening. Then I closed it and burst into tears. Haven't opened it since, and I don't think I ever will.

I also haven't written any fanfic since, as it completely destroyed my muse, on the plus side however I've recently finished the first draft of an original novel and I'm planning the sequel now. The good thing is that I'm the only person who gets to decide the fate of my characters.

But Sirius's death still hurts.

[meggitymeg.livejournal.com]

LOL! I was sitting on the other side of Lowell! You must have been across from Kristen and Carrie - I was just far enough away that I wound up talking to an entire other subset of the table during that evening...and then we never made it to Dionne's that night, so I never got to properly meet you. I do remember you from running around at the top of the escalators at the IMAX, though!

*blushes* My boy *is* a dear, isn't he? :D

[debellatrix.livejournal.com]

Oh geez I was screaming like a banshee at the IMAX.
*rolls eyes at self*

And yes, Chris is quite a guy.

[dramaturgy.livejournal.com]

Oh man. I tried to keep from crying, but I absolutely bawled when Harry and Sirius were talking and he flied off.

[heidi8.livejournal.com]

I could make it worse - Joni Mitchell's lyrics to Man From Mars would compound the whole thing - and I've wondered if JKR had listened to that song before characterizing Sirius.

[sff-corgi.livejournal.com]

I remember when I met him, he blew in like the wind. No-one was more beautiful or dangerous than him. He blew through my soul with a tangerine wind. He's coming out soon.

Oh, I love that.

♥
The Werewolf Registry spoiled me accidentally -- I shouldn't have gone there -- but I realised later I needed that cushion of warning. I'd been so sure Sirius wasn't going to be the one because of all his untied-off threads. He had to catch Peter, he had to be Harry's family. He had to have a life. Hagrid... well, Hagrid had been happy and successful, he was in a good position (and being a Gryffindor, well-suited) to sacrifice himself for the cause. I was prepared for that....

The thing is, I don't believe he's DEAD dead. It's like the lines from Miracle Max in The Princess Bride, y'know? This is NOT real life, it has a structure and a plan and symbolism and a very sneaky writer.

I also had the IMMENSE comfort of Dogstar Academy, where Sirius is very much alive (returned from the dead, to be specific -- long story) and extremely vital. So, he was gone... yet not gone.

I actually can re-read OoP, because of the above, and mostly because I'm trying to write an AUish PoV fanfic sequel set during it; but I find myself still getting wretched wanting PoA's and GoF's and especially OoP's Sirius to be happy. I want to fix things for him (and slap Molly Weasley really really hard).

I think I shall wear black on Monday. He's coming out soon. I believe this. His story's not done.

[no-remorse.livejournal.com]

You know, that wouldn't have done me in, but I just watched the final scenes of The Virgin Suicides and...

In the end we had pieces of the puzzle, but not matter how we put them together, gaps remained - oddly shaped emptiness, mapped by what surrounded them like countries we couldn't name. What lingered after them was not life, but the most trivial list of mundane facts: a clock ticking on the wall, a room dim at noon, the outrageousness of a human being thinking only of herself.
...
So much has been said about the girls over the years. But we have never found an answer. It didn't matter in the end how old they had been, or that they were girls. But only that we had loved them, and that they hadn't heard us calling, still do not hear us calling them out of those rooms where they went to be alone for all time, and where we will never find the pieces to put them back together.

I am crying now. And I can't even explain it. Loss is really not a clever-enough subject to speak about in public.