heidi | I'd like to teach the world to fic... (Reply)

It's April 1 in Australia and New Zealand, so I think I can finally go live with some big news:

DENVER, Co. — Google Inc., AOL-Time Warner, Inc., Microsoft, Coca-Cola, Walt Disney Corporations, American Airlines, Wal-Mart, Yahoo!, Lush, Nike, FictionAlley and Dan Radcliffe today announced that they have entered into a world-transforming merger designed to meet all the needs of all people everywhere.

Industry legends Google, AOL, Yahoo, Time-Warner, Coca-Cola, T-Mobile, FictionAlley, Walt Disney, and Dan Radclifffe will be working in close collaboration to optimize and deliver entertainment vehicles and consumer goods and services. These include literally millions of TV shows, films, wool socks for when your feet are cold, songs, software programs, water flumes, Internet postings, virtual private networking, yummy cheese bagels, instant messaging, a bank, snuff, other snortable products, amusement park rides, original stories, fanfiction and personal lubricant gift packages wrapped up in a bow, and wicked-good beverages, including but not limited to Diet Coke With Lime But Without Caffeine. Financial terms of this transaction were not released.

Available now at http://www.fictionalley.org, this powerful new amalgamation/corporation/bank enables users to access the wealth of information generated by years of past and future entertainment and consumer-satisfaction modes. Once the full consolidation of these entities is effectuated, users will be able to search, browse, steal, and redistribute for free on the Internet more than ten billion chunks of entertainment known as Blips. In addition, the company, heretofore to be known as "The Company", will soon provide improved viewing capabilities on an LCD screen that individuals will be able to have implanted onto their hands, or, if they prefer, their forearms, in the same location where the Dark Mark is branded on Death Eaters (that was Microsoft's idea). Also, the wool socks will be available in lots of colors.

Dan Radcliffe, the only individual involved in the merger, said, "After buying the Black Family Tree, I realised I have far too much money. I've decided to bankroll The Company in order to bring people together on a worldwide basis."

"The joining of these significant assets will enable The Company to offer an vital new source of information to both users around the world," said Steve Jobs, who is involved in The Company via Walt Disney. "We are committed to extending our user interface leadership in developing and deploying all necessary technologies required to provide the optimal sensory experience to millions of users worldwide."

"Yeah," said Bill Gates. "What he said. Microsoft is committed to extending its plagiarism leadership by doing all that stuff, but better, on Windows."

"We assume most people are going to think this is a joke," said Orchid Malfoy, Google's largest single investor. "But people thought the same thing two years ago today when we announced GMail, and look at how well that's turned out. I say: Reserve judgment until you've tried our snuff."

If you want to see our new cover art,

We're still rolling out the images for each house and subsection, but they should all be live over the course of today, April 1, 2006. I'm personally especially thrilled by Google's sponsorship of Schnoogle, which we've now renamed Schnooooooooogle, and Dan Radcliffe's personal involvement with Astronomy Tower, but I have a feeling that LiveJournal's takeover of Riddikulus will cause more ~~wangst~~ giggles.